Let me tell you: If you want to have a good time, hit up Alexandria. This city is the place to be! It wasn’t my first destination, but I had to get my ex-bff/son-in-law’s head (#ripPompey), so off I went. Which btw was not my fault! When I got to Alexandria, I could sense some serious anti-Roman vibes (10.11-13).

So I get there and I meet this amazing woman. Not only was she hot, but she immediately outed her brother (10.99-101) for killing Pompey and was like defffffinitely flirting with me, so you know the rest 😉 (10.106)

Then my new bae, aka Cleopatra, threw a total rager. This was not your average banquet. First of all, her palace was unreal. We’re talking paneled ceilings, golden beams, ivory everywhere, tortoise shells, the whole nine yards. (10.111-126) Her #ootd was as stunning; the girl knows how to dress (10.137-143). Now back to the banquet. It was the definition of bad and bougie: bad because I was there to get Pompey’s head but instead was partying, and bougie because everything was gold (10.155).

My rating for Alexandria is 9/10. This place is lit. I would’ve given it a 10/10, but there is something definitely uneasy about this place (maybe that Pompey was killed here and I am next? Good luck haters). Regardless, this city has a lot to offer. Make sure to plan a booze cruise on the Nile.

So after crushing Pompey in Pharsalus (yay me!) I decided to see what Troy is all about. I mean not only does this city have an epic about it (shout out my guy Homer), but also after getting my ancestry.com results, I confirmed that I truly am from this legendary city. So off I went to see what all the hype is about.

Want to know what I saw there? Trees and rocks (9.966-969). Now don’t get me wrong, of course I know that Troy was destroyed when the dinosaurs were still roaming the earth, but come on! Nevertheless, if you’re planning a trip, here were the highlights:

-Hesione’s Rock (9.970)

-Anchises’ marriage chamber (9.970)

-The cave where Paris chose Aphrodite as the biggest hottie so he could link up with Helen (9.971)

-the peak were Paris’ ex-bae cried after he died (9.973)

Look, Troy is cool and all, but beware of the tour guides. These guys will yell at you for anything. Its not my fault that Hector doesn’t have a sick mausoleum. So can I really be blamed for maybe stepping on his grave? I didn’t think so. (9.979-978) These guys will take any opportunity they can to lecture you about history and respecting the past (9.979). But I guess he had a point so I made sure to pour one out for great grandaddy Aeneas (9.987-989).

My overall rating for Troy is 6/10. It doesn’t live up to the hype, but these are my ancestors and all so I guess it was worth the visit.

Today in Massilia, me and the boys cut down this creepy grove. There were a few things about this place that made it weird. First of all, when I go to a sacred grove I expect to see some pans or silvani, maybe a nymph or two (3.402-403), or AT LEAST some birds (3.407). But no, this place was empty. To make it even more sketchy, the trees were trembling. But get this, there was no wind. THE TREES WERE MOVING ON THEIR OWN (3.410-411). To top it all off, it turns out that some creepy barbaric human sacrifice had gone down in this place (3.403405).

But anyways, we had already stripped the surrounding mountains so we really needed to get a chopping (3.427-428). I order the boys to cut down the trees and the little wimps wouldn’t. Want to know why? They thought that the axes may bounce off the trees and hit them. Can you believe that? Next time, come up with a better excuse (3.429-431).

So even though I had a serious case of the heebie jeebies, I grabbed the axe and was like, “look, I’ll cut down the first tree and prove to you little scaredy cats that there is nothing to fear. And if you’re all really THAT scared, you can blame it all on me, since I’ll be the first one to cut the trees down” (3.436-437). Of course, if there is some divine retribution, its not really all my nefas, because they followed my orders and therefore are just as guilty.

My rating for the grove is a 4/10. I would only recommend a visit if you are one of those weirdos who likes being scared and are low key into the idea of human sacrifice. Also, since I cut down all the trees (sorry not sorry) there isn’t much left to see.